This New Year’s Eve brings a quiet night in my parents’ home. JD is driving back to Oregon while the girls and I stay in Bako for a couple more weeks. We’ve been cozy this week. Seems fitting to bring in the New Year with pj’s, ice cream pie and New Years Rockin Eve.
I had lunch with my cousin Julie today. Over sandwiches and soup we talked over our twenties, how irreconcilable they feel. How dreams and ideals and plans get tossed up and thrown out or in and how vastly different people’s lives look in the decade of twenty. How our lives were once comprised of predictable school years and then an unleashing into real world.
2011 began with a painful church split at the church we were serving in Hawaii. I recently re-read some posts in 2007 when things started to get hard in ministry and how we were still starry-eyed and hopeful for health. Four years later the church split. We picked up the pieces of ourselves, said goodbye to the people we loved who shared life with us for almost five years and moved to the mainland. My brother got married and we celebrated their union with love and laughter, good wine and beer. In August I poured myself into picking blackberries and going to parks, determined to fall in love with our new home. We joined a new church community and have been blessed with healthy ministry. We painted the entire interior of a house and began moving our stuff in. Cold weather came and I began wearing slippers (not of the flip flop variety) in the house. I joined a mama group. I started a photography business. The girls fell in love with dinosaurs and trains and I became a stay-at-home-mama. JD began his position as a youth pastor, learning the ropes solo this time. We cut our first Christmas tree as a family.
Jesus began whispering gratitude in my heart and I daily search for it. I am glad I’m not working at a church right now. There is healing needed and questions unanswered.
I don’t really do resolutions. I’ve tried it, but usually I end up writing a list of things I don’t like about my life and then never change anything. But I have some hopes this year. Yearnings deep in the heart.
In 2o12 I hope to live well. The daily kind. I’m a dreamer and where this breaks down is in the day to day mundane. I hope for sweet sweet time with Jesus, for healing and hope in HIM. In some ways I still waiting for my arrival. Still a senior in college asking what I’m going to do with my life.
But this is my life. Messy, confusing, bewildering, beautiful and lovely. And maybe instead of searching for purpose and calling and what career I might have when the kids go to school, maybe I need to just be quiet. And still. And listen to the small voice and love my husband and kids and continue to find beauty in all of this life that He’s given.